I started hiking again. That may not sound like much but for me, it put me in touch with my soul in such a way that it brought a lot of things together, namely, hope.
These days I am a bi-vocational pastor, working part-time at my church and part-time is a therapist. Because of that second job, the young people I work with got me out on a trail for the first time in a long time. I discovered trails just a ten minute drive from my house and so it got me back up in the mornings, exercising and in touch with nature and it tapped my soul. It touched hope.
I am a huge believer in our lives being holistic: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual. I know some folks discount the spiritual but for me, well, I can’t get passed what Jesus did for me, does for me and that transfers to my faith in Jesus’ words of what He will do in the future. Since the journey through the valley of suck began, the spiritual is one thing that has been most consistent even as the other three wavered and collapsed.
With each day, week, month, and year that has passed, I’ve been up and down. Hitting rock bottom mentally, I got on medication and through some therapy, we determined I have a general anxiety disorder that if left unattended, can lead to depression and panic attacks. What I learned was how my emotional, physical and spiritual practices had kept this in check for all these years.
The emotional, is really all tied together. Still, learning to be independent, releasing my young adult children to live their own lives, and reforming my support network was big. I can’t say enough how falling in love again has made a HUGE impact BUT I had to be emotionally ready for that, and I couldn’t expect Lauren to take on my emotional health. I had to own it.
And so then came the physical, an on again, off again struggle, it finally came together three weeks ago on the trail and with it, came hope. The valley of suck began in the fall of 2014, so coming on 5 years, it seems that the journey has led me to something I’d like to call the plains of hope. No analogy is perfect but it seems here, with hope, I am able to have some freedom in the choices I make where the valley of suck is mired in survival. I also say “plains” because I can still the valley of suck around me. It is always possible to step in it and stumble and fall.
Grief remains. It just doesn’t go away. It is right there in my pack when I hit the trail. It turns ugly sometimes and the dust and mud from the valley of suck remain. You’ve got to do you. You’ve got to find the road forward and address the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects that feed you.
Grief has become a new industry now. I can tell. My social media has blown up with new books and new coaches. My readership on my blog has dropped off tremendously since Heather’s death. Granted I haven’t written so much and that is precisely because the journey has been hard as “H -E – double hockey sticks.” We don’t get over the grief – we walk through it – we walk with it – and we grow with it as part of who we are. I never wanted my blog or writing to be solely about grief and being widow. Life is more than that. It sucks BUT it can be so much worth living!
For me, Paul’s words of tribulation and suffering have come to have much broader understanding than my younger years could have comprehended…
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Romans 5:1-5)