Original Posting At https://www.sacreddirt.com/what-if-i-dont-like-the-person-that-is-me/
There was a time in my life when I was afraid of silence. If I wasn’t with someone I was filling my time with the TV, radio or music. That was until someone challenged me to a practice of silence, just 5 minutes a day, in order to pay attention to my interior thoughts and feelings. At the time I thought that it would be a simple practice to add to my day on my commute to work. Instead of the radio or music, I would drive in silence. I still remember driving to work about 20 years ago when I turned the radio off in the car for the first time and came face to face with my deep fear.
“What happens if I spend dedicated time with myself and find out that I don’t like the person that is “me”?
It was then that I began to realize that I was a body in motion reacting to the needs of others — on projects, on care-giving, on leading — and I had spent little time getting to know me. Before that moment I would make excuses saying something like, “I wish I had time for such pleasures, but I can’t fit it into my busy schedule as a professional woman with 2 small children.” In reality I had spent my life running away from myself. Because the worst thing that could ever happen would be to discover that my true essence was flawed and unworthy. As long as I ran away from that discovery I could pretend that all was well. I could eventually work my way into worthiness.
How many of us, if we took the time to be honest with ourselves, would discover a similar angst? How many of us have spent the majority of our lives putting out fires and caring for others in an attempt to run away from ourselves?
Long story short, on that day I began a journey of slowly listening to and honoring my thoughts and feelings. I came to know that my true self, just like your true self, is born of love, joy, peace, patience, and kindness in the image of God. It was on that day that I began to look at my unhealthy patterns with curiosity and slowly began to let go of judgment. It was on that day that I started to step more fully into my gifts and began to risk living out my dreams. I began to say “yes” to the me that was longing to be discovered. This did not happen overnight; rather, it has been a life long journey with valleys of darkness as well as times of joy.
What I have discovered along the way is that the more I am able to courageously look at my shadows, my fears, and my brokenness the greater my capacity grows for resilience, confidence and wisdom. I have also noticed that the more I attend to my own healing the greater impact I have in my work and my relationships. Contemplative practices in the form of meditation, journaling and yoga have been a key part of moving from that reactive talking head to an embodied peaceful spirit.
This summer I am offering a contemplative yoga retreat for folks who want to take that next step in their own healing journeys. This sacred time will allow you to listen with the ear of your heart. It will be a safe and honoring place in which to settle into the wisdom of your body and allow your soul to come out and play. It will be a time for deep renewal as you discern those next steps in your life. If this sounds intriguing to you, I invite you to join me at Wallowa Lake Camp, in NE Oregon July 24 to 28, 2018. Let this be the next new beginning for you.